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Last year I moved to San Francisco as an introvert.

I had no connections, and zero friends.

In case you’re wondering, here’s what happened during the year since I moved:

• I beat my lifelong fear of starting conversations with strangers.

• I made several key relationships that brought me 20+ friends.

• I created a networking business for startup founders.

• I personally met over 2,300 people at my events.

Over the last year, I learned the extroversion is not something you’re born with, but something you can cultivate.

I believe that each of us has a tiny spark of extroversion in us.

We just need to learn how to fan it into a flame.

Today, I’ll share the 3 methods I used to do just that.

The Extroversion Switch:

Here are the 3 main things you need, to turn on your extroversion switch, and start growing your network right away:

• Get out the door with a Ulysses Pact

• Jump the awkwardness gap with a kick-ass opener

• Dial up the charisma with warmth and competence

You don’t have to get all of these right for your life to change, but the more, the better.

Let’s dive in.

Get out the door with a Ulysses Pact

This was the hardest part for me, and still is today.

But it’s the first step to becoming:

• More socially charming

• Building lasting friendships

• Growing your professional network

You have to get outside. You have to interact with the world.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve got dressed and ready, just to stand at the front door. Begging the world to give me an excuse not to go.

My body will literally revolt against stepping outside.

But then I realized…

Worst of all, it’s with people I have yet to meet.

I decided to take that decision off the table, and I did so with a Ulysses Pact.

If you don’t remember the story of Ulysses from the Odyssey, heres the quick version.

Ulysses is the captain of a ship sailing through particularly rocky waters. If his crew strays from the path, the ship will wreck, and everyone aboard will die.

Worse, there are mermaids on the rocks, singing a a beautiful song. A song that lures all other passing ships to their demise.

But Ulysses is cleaver. He creates a pact with his crew. He orders them to tightly tie him to the mast of the ship, while filling their own ears with bees wax.

This way, he can enjoy the beautiful song, without any fear.

Their ship is able to stay the course, in the face of serious temptation.

This is a Ulysses Pact.

It’s a way to commit to something you know is best for you in advance, while giving yourself no way of backing out.

The way I tied myself to the mast is by becoming a host.

There’s no way for the host of an event to back out.

The entire event relies on me being there, setting up, negotiating with the venue, and getting those first few conversations off the ground.

You don’t have make as extreme of a Ulysses Pact as I did, but here are a few others to consider:

• By tickets to events in advance: Even just a little bit of money will make it harder to back out of.

• Invite a friend: Being accountable to just one other person aside from yourself will make you 10X more likely to follow through.

• Share your goal: We don’t like to feel like hypocrites, staying consistent to your word gives you just a little push out the door.

Jump the Awkwardness Gap with a Kick-Ass Opener.

After hosting over 40 events—and 2,300 people in the past year—I can say one thing confidently.

Every single conversation you start with a stranger will be awkward.

There’s no way around it.

That’s because, at the start, there’s a chasm you must leap. From stranger, to acquaintance, to friend. You may think the conversational pro’s can skip the discomfort, but you’d be wrong.

The best you can do, is get over them quickly.

And that has everything to do with the first 10 words out of your mouth.

The first ten words set the stage for the conversation, and how quickly you can cross the awkwardness gap.

I’m going to give you a few perfect openers, but first let me tell you a story that really opened my eyes to why these work.

A little over a year ago I was living in North Carolina. I had joined a yoga studio that had a Friday happy hour after class.

I attended and—as with a any group of 15 strangers—it was awkward.

So the yoga instructor asked a question so cringey, that it still haunts me to this day.

She asked…

“If you had to perform at a talent show, what would you do?”

aghh, still gives me the heebie jeebies.

I remember I started to think of my answer, but before I could, someone else said “Well I can walk on my hands, so I’d probably do that.” Then another person spoke up “I almost went to the olympics for fencing, so I’d probably fence”

One after another, people started opening up. Sharing their weird talents. With each answer, an entire 10 minute conversation spun off on the new topic.

The 6 seconds after the question was asked was truly an uncomfortable hell, but an hour later we were all still sharing.

That’s the power of a great question.

A great opening question does three things:

• Skips meaningless chit-chat about the weather and work

• Makes you more memorable to the person you’re talking to

• Moves you from a cold introduction to interesting personal details

Here are some great opener questions I’ve used in the past year:

• What’s your hidden talent?

• What’s your favorite conspiracy theory?

• How do you like to spend your free time?

• What has been the highlight of your year?

• What is the best gift you have ever received?

• What sport would you compete in if you were in the Olympics?

If just the thought of asking those questions makes you want to curl up in a ball and die, good.

It’s going to be awkward either way.

With these questions we’re compressing the weirdness to a very short and intense moment. Instead of getting caught in an hour long haze of discomfort, talking about the weather.

Dial Up the Charisma with Warmth and Competence

The last detail of tuning up your extroversion is charisma.

This is something I’ve been trying to put my finger on for a while now, and I recently heard an excellent explanation from Vanessa Van Edwards. Nearly all of what follows informed by her research.

She explains that charisma is someone who exudes both warmth and competence.

So if you want to increase your charisma it’s important to see where you already lie on this spectrum.

What you’re searching for is more balance in the traits people would use to describe you. So if people would describe you was warm, it’s probably best to turn up your competence in conversation.

You can do this by

• Being more direct in conversation.

• Speaking at the lower end of your vocal range.

• Using words like efficient, streamline, data, and science.

And just the opposite for people exuding competence

• Spend more time building personal rapport.

• Speak at the higher or softer end of your vocal range.

• Use words like collaborate, team, best, both, together, and great.

After hosting over 2,300 people last year, I can confidently say—the most charismatic people are those who show a healthy balance of both.

Transformation Complete

I wish I could snap my fingers, and make you instantly more extroverted.

This process has taken me over 40 events, and 2,300 in-person connections, and I’m still not quite there.

I still chicken out of asking that first awkward question. There still times when I forget to balance my warmth and competence.

But the real secret that I haven’t told you yet is that:

So the goal is not banishing discomfort. It’s recognizing everyone else in the room is feeling the same way. We’re all in this weird, awkward soup together.

If you take one thing away from this article, I hope it would be—just get out of the house.

Each time you make it out, you have the opportunity to add one new connection to your professional network, or one new friend to your group chat.

By allowing yourself to spend time with people, you’re building a richer and more connected life. Becoming a part of a local community, and an active member of planet earth!

See you outside.

—Zac

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